A Peek at the Dark Side

I hate doing stuff. In this day and culture and social class, one is supposed to have a passion, a sense of mission, and to live w/ a purpose. Even in retirement one must accomplish something. One's identity is tied to one's doings. We are human doings.

So, hating doing stuff equals self-hatred. And doing nothing about it makes it worse until one sits there paralyzed or something. Sometimes I would even envy my mom in the nursing home she didn't have to DO anything. Even back then, I was pretty far gone.

So the corollary of hating doing is that everything I do is the result of will power. I have to force self to get up, walk, get dressed. I hate doing it all. The only thing I don't hate is going to the grocery store; but everything else including writing is hateful. The only near relief is in not moving not doing.

Well hey isn't that what all the meditators say? Enlightenment is not-doing. I don't think having a nap after breakfast is what they meant though.