Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Job Insecurities

After buying the new house and increasing my financial obligations about fifty percent it occurred to me to get a little job.
And they came back, those job feelings.

First, I searched around the local college site and found an opening to evaluate the writing of international students. I thought that might be fun, but I would have to learn some ESL stuff to fit into the qualifications. I would be good at it, too.

So then it came to me: why not try to do something I'm already good at and have experience? It seemed a good idea to e-mail a counseling center nearby and offer my services as a consultant. A man I'll call "James" wanted to see my resume!

Next came re-writing the thing because having retired I cheerfully threw out my resume and let my credentials expire. Re-crafting took a couple of days, about four hours of which was spent on perfecting the punctuation. The minute I slipped the completed document into the mail slot, I began to wonder if I had sent two page twos and no page one. Up rushed inadequacy and self-doubt (in which I major).

That day I took out some books from the library about how to succeed, one by a woman named Cathie Black who works in publishing and another about awakening the inner entrepreneur. Cathie Black says you need to have DRIVE. The entrepreneur book says you need a DREAM. My reaction to these was DESPAIR because this is not who I am!

Whether it was the oppression of women or something congenital (because it's not innate from either parent), I lack ambition. My dream is my life now: retirement, watching daytime TV, saying prayers, playing with grandchildren, puttering about the house, reading deep and shallow books, an occasional church social, and attempted writing. Except with more money.

I started doing "bad self talk," which is a no-no, aggravating "toxic shame." Not good enough and never will be et cetera. All part of the process. Following the advice of Cathie Black I did some more research on the counseling center's web site--and maybe I should renew my addictions certification? Sure, with about 200 hours of continuing education and taking an exam! Visions came of driving places at night and studying molecular diagrams of various controlled substances, followed by an oral exam about counseling functions.

That is when I began to return to myself. I prayed to God and got back in touch with "Tell Him how you REALLY feel" through the Psalms. No, I am not going to renew any certifications or try to get new ones. I will always have my graduate degrees and my publications, they don't expire. I have a lot to offer the way I am.

The Lord's service is perfect freedom but not without insecurities.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

An excellent entry! "Wry" par excellence! I laughed outloud. I so identify with your feelings about lacking confidence. And am so looking forward to seeing you!

8:07 AM  
Blogger J. Michael Povey said...

I offered my wonderful services to Publix supermarket (for pay), but they turned me down as I refused to remove my beard!

They do not know what they missed!


5:21 PM  

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